The Truth About MenThe Education of a Courtesan
Essay by Veronica MONET
(Printed without permission)
11/25/05
Have you noticed how popular it has become to make fun of men? Seems every sitcom, comedy routine, or television drama I see finds a way to skewer men. The last episode of "NYPD" tackled the idea of a man getting his penis cut off—with an undercurrent of humor. It concerns me that the "NYPD" writers think such subject matter funny. It wouldn't be funny at all if someone cut off a woman's breast or clitoris or any other part of her body. In fact, if "NYPD" wrote that into their show with anything less than retribution with a religious fervor, they would be censored and penalized at every front. But the mutilation of mens' bodies is fodder for entertainment of many varieties. Men are the last group of people you can poke fun at without getting letters of complaint from the PC police. It is not politically correct to tell certain jokes about women, and references of any kind to racial and ethnic groups can land you in extremely hot water, but when it comes to finding fault with white males, you pretty much have carte blanche. Today's man is most often portrayed as kind of dumb, kind of confused, and kind of child-like. Or he is the exact opposite: violent, selfish, greedy, power-hungry, and always in the mood for sex. As a woman who has spent the last 11 years in the sex industry, I am often expected to have a negative view of men. After all, most people postulate, I have seen the worst side of men, perhaps the true nature of men. How could I possibly encounter all that raw selfish sexuality without coming away a little jaded? Fortunately people's fantasies of my life and my work and the men I see have very little to do with the facts. I actually entered the sex industry on the verge of becoming a lesbian separatist. I hated men and thought working as a prostitute would afford me the opportunity to take their money while spending as little time as possible in their systems (you know the patriarchy!). I had worked a couple desk jobs after college and absolutely hated all the ass-kissing and bullshit that fitting into the corporate environs entailed. I blamed men for the way the world was, but I did need some cash to pay rent and buy groceries. Prostitution seemed the perfect solution. It only required a couple hours a week to pay all my bills, and I used the rest of my time to write and engage in political protests. (This was during the Gulf War, and the groups I protested with would lie down in the middle of traffic; I was also a staff writer for a bisexual magazine called Anything That Moves.)
The transformation was rather unexpected: I began to see men as clients instead of as "tricks." Somewhere along the line, my experiences as a prostitute changed me. But the transformation I underwent was rather unexpected. I began to see the men I worked with as clients instead of "tricks." They brought their individuality to me, and it became impossible to continue to adhere to stereotypes. The reality of men impinged on the mythology. Today, I believe stereotypes are debilitating and inaccurate, whether they are applied to women or men. Stereotyping is a lazy form of perception that we evolved to increase our chances of survival. It was very effective when you were generalizing your first encounter with a bear to your second encounter with a bear. It even worked nicely when trying to decide if people wearing certain clothes might be friend or foe. If you took the time to get to know someone, you might already be dead. But we are not battling Vikings or conquering indigenous island tribes anymore (well, perhaps with our advertising and media, but not with face-to-face encounters). Many if not most of our encounters with other people involve a certain level of built-in safety that can afford us the luxury of getting to know others as individuals. So, unless you need to make a split-second decision about your personal safety based on the appearance of another, you are holding up the emotional evolution of our species by relying on stereotypes and prejudice to guide your human interactions. And I have been, and still am at times, guilty as charged. However, I have made considerable progress in my efforts to take each new person I meet as a unique individual, and my clients of the past 11 years have played a major role in my education and enlightenment in this department. They brought me, first and foremost, their vulnerability. Whether they were acting out a fantasy of withholding a raise from their secretary until she performed sexually for them, or begging me to leave bloody marks on their back with a bullwhip, their vulnerability was ever-present and ultimately endearing. The vast variety I have encountered in men has astounded me. I can no longer listen to others making sweeping generalizations about men without involuntarily flinching and recoiling with discomfort and some measure of revulsion. I just know it isn't so. I often say that if I made the kind of assumptions many men and women make about men, I would severely limit my income. Being open to each man's individual needs and desires and proclivities is what makes me successful at my profession. Ultimately, I have formed some generalizations—but they tend to fly in the face of popular myths about men. For instance, I have found that many men are less interested in sexual intercourse and achieving an orgasm than they are usually portrayed. I have seen many men lay down hundreds of dollars to talk, cuddle, engage in hours of foreplay, and actively seek instruction in how to please women sexually. Yet we as a society continue to perpetuate the myth that all men are interested in doing "the deed," that they must be coaxed into foreplay, and that the majority of men are so self-centered they ignore the physical needs of their sexual partners.
I have had sex with more men who took my needs to heart than with women. As a bisexual woman, I can attest that I have had sex with a lot more men who took my needs to heart than I have had with women. I found most of my female lovers to be lazy and self-centered, while my male clients invested an amazing amount of money, time, and enthusiasm into sexual performance. (Now, before I get a lot of hate mail from women, I want to stress that these are my generalizations after 11 years in the sex biz. I have had far more sexual contact with men than women, so my personal survey is not statistically sound in any way. I also believe the way we socialize and raise males and females has a lot to do with the way they behave. Men are expected to perform—in sports, in war, in work, in the bedroom—while women are merely expected to be: attractive, docile, nurturing, attentive, and so on.) Again, generalizations are dangerous because they make us blind to the unique individual standing in front of us. But if we are going to make generalizations about the majority of men or women, let them be based on how things are—for whatever reason, whether nature or nurture, genetics or environment—and not our beliefs on how things should be. Currently, we invest a lot of time supporting the myths about gender that make us feel everything is as it should be in the world. We feel pride and safety belonging to our group (men or women) and try to hide the ways in which even we don't conform to our group identity. When men get into groups, they tend to posture for status and membership. Women tend to share secrets and confide for membership in a group of females. I do not believe these behaviors are based on X- and Y-chromosomes or progesterone or testosterone. My experiences as a prostitute have shown me otherwise. In fact, both men and women show another side of themselves when they pay for a prostitute. (Yes, women also pay for prostitutes, although not as frequently as men do.) It is as if the exchange of money frees them from their gender role for that hour, evening, or weekend. They are free to explore other aspects of being human, other sides to their own personality. No one will judge them or censor them. They need not worry about losing their job, their standing in the community, or their families. Consequently, they can explore secret desires and urges. Contrary to popular myth, these secret desires more often involve violating the constraints of gender roles than indulging in different sexual practices. I have spent a lot more time giving men permission to be passive, vulnerable, sexually desired, and pursued than I have in treating some guy to his first golden shower. And I have also serviced lesbians who needed a break from their role as a dyke. A typical scenario: Pick her up while wearing my five-inch heels and throw her on the bed, then fuck her silly from behind with a strap-on. This kind of sexual behavior is usually prohibited in the often-rigid roles between butch and femme. My exposure to this unspoken underbelly, the truth so terrible we had to replace it with visions of violence and "perversion," has filled me with compassion where there was fear and love where there was hate. I cannot take a backward glance at moments shared with my clients without feeling a warm sense of connection and gratitude. People are at their most honest, and sometimes at their best, when they seek the services of a courtesan. I know some acts of prostitution involve hate and violence, but for the most part prostitution is merely empty and banal. There is, however, a sizeable minority of prostitutes—courtesans, call girls, whores, whatever you wish to call them—that brings honor and spirituality to the profession. The services of these women and men are sought by people who are looking for sexual transformation, as well as sexual release. Sex was, after all, the very first religion. Many people still find more that touches them spiritually and emotionally in sexual connection and interaction than they can ever find sitting in church.
Many people find more that touches them spiritually and emotionally in sexual connection than they could ever find in church. It is time we included all humans in a movement that embraces the rights of all of us, whether straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual, whether male, female, hermaphrodite, or transgendered. It is time we temper our observations about how things are with our knowledge of how things can be. It is time we learn to see each other and ourselves as individuals instead of members in a group identity. And it is certainly time we abandon our primitive fear of sex for a more mature and educated and hopefully experienced stance. Sex is the very basis of life and renewal. Sex is also the only reason we have male and female. All the other bullshit—from clothing to hairstyles to whether we cross our legs or spit on the sidewalk—are things we invented in an effort to accentuate the differences between male and female. If those differences were so natural and immutable, we would not have such severe taboos against violating gender roles. Deep down we know that if we don't raise our boys to be men, they may not fulfill our expectations for them. Why? Because left to our own devices, men and women and all the people in between those two physical realities would assume a wide variety of identities and personas. I guess that frightens us. It shouldn't. I find all that variety beautiful.
Have you noticed how popular it has become to make fun of men? Seems every sitcom, comedy routine, or television drama I see finds a way to skewer men. The last episode of "NYPD" tackled the idea of a man getting his penis cut off—with an undercurrent of humor. It concerns me that the "NYPD" writers think such subject matter funny. It wouldn't be funny at all if someone cut off a woman's breast or clitoris or any other part of her body. In fact, if "NYPD" wrote that into their show with anything less than retribution with a religious fervor, they would be censored and penalized at every front. But the mutilation of mens' bodies is fodder for entertainment of many varieties. Men are the last group of people you can poke fun at without getting letters of complaint from the PC police. It is not politically correct to tell certain jokes about women, and references of any kind to racial and ethnic groups can land you in extremely hot water, but when it comes to finding fault with white males, you pretty much have carte blanche. Today's man is most often portrayed as kind of dumb, kind of confused, and kind of child-like. Or he is the exact opposite: violent, selfish, greedy, power-hungry, and always in the mood for sex. As a woman who has spent the last 11 years in the sex industry, I am often expected to have a negative view of men. After all, most people postulate, I have seen the worst side of men, perhaps the true nature of men. How could I possibly encounter all that raw selfish sexuality without coming away a little jaded? Fortunately people's fantasies of my life and my work and the men I see have very little to do with the facts. I actually entered the sex industry on the verge of becoming a lesbian separatist. I hated men and thought working as a prostitute would afford me the opportunity to take their money while spending as little time as possible in their systems (you know the patriarchy!). I had worked a couple desk jobs after college and absolutely hated all the ass-kissing and bullshit that fitting into the corporate environs entailed. I blamed men for the way the world was, but I did need some cash to pay rent and buy groceries. Prostitution seemed the perfect solution. It only required a couple hours a week to pay all my bills, and I used the rest of my time to write and engage in political protests. (This was during the Gulf War, and the groups I protested with would lie down in the middle of traffic; I was also a staff writer for a bisexual magazine called Anything That Moves.)
The transformation was rather unexpected: I began to see men as clients instead of as "tricks." Somewhere along the line, my experiences as a prostitute changed me. But the transformation I underwent was rather unexpected. I began to see the men I worked with as clients instead of "tricks." They brought their individuality to me, and it became impossible to continue to adhere to stereotypes. The reality of men impinged on the mythology. Today, I believe stereotypes are debilitating and inaccurate, whether they are applied to women or men. Stereotyping is a lazy form of perception that we evolved to increase our chances of survival. It was very effective when you were generalizing your first encounter with a bear to your second encounter with a bear. It even worked nicely when trying to decide if people wearing certain clothes might be friend or foe. If you took the time to get to know someone, you might already be dead. But we are not battling Vikings or conquering indigenous island tribes anymore (well, perhaps with our advertising and media, but not with face-to-face encounters). Many if not most of our encounters with other people involve a certain level of built-in safety that can afford us the luxury of getting to know others as individuals. So, unless you need to make a split-second decision about your personal safety based on the appearance of another, you are holding up the emotional evolution of our species by relying on stereotypes and prejudice to guide your human interactions. And I have been, and still am at times, guilty as charged. However, I have made considerable progress in my efforts to take each new person I meet as a unique individual, and my clients of the past 11 years have played a major role in my education and enlightenment in this department. They brought me, first and foremost, their vulnerability. Whether they were acting out a fantasy of withholding a raise from their secretary until she performed sexually for them, or begging me to leave bloody marks on their back with a bullwhip, their vulnerability was ever-present and ultimately endearing. The vast variety I have encountered in men has astounded me. I can no longer listen to others making sweeping generalizations about men without involuntarily flinching and recoiling with discomfort and some measure of revulsion. I just know it isn't so. I often say that if I made the kind of assumptions many men and women make about men, I would severely limit my income. Being open to each man's individual needs and desires and proclivities is what makes me successful at my profession. Ultimately, I have formed some generalizations—but they tend to fly in the face of popular myths about men. For instance, I have found that many men are less interested in sexual intercourse and achieving an orgasm than they are usually portrayed. I have seen many men lay down hundreds of dollars to talk, cuddle, engage in hours of foreplay, and actively seek instruction in how to please women sexually. Yet we as a society continue to perpetuate the myth that all men are interested in doing "the deed," that they must be coaxed into foreplay, and that the majority of men are so self-centered they ignore the physical needs of their sexual partners.
I have had sex with more men who took my needs to heart than with women. As a bisexual woman, I can attest that I have had sex with a lot more men who took my needs to heart than I have had with women. I found most of my female lovers to be lazy and self-centered, while my male clients invested an amazing amount of money, time, and enthusiasm into sexual performance. (Now, before I get a lot of hate mail from women, I want to stress that these are my generalizations after 11 years in the sex biz. I have had far more sexual contact with men than women, so my personal survey is not statistically sound in any way. I also believe the way we socialize and raise males and females has a lot to do with the way they behave. Men are expected to perform—in sports, in war, in work, in the bedroom—while women are merely expected to be: attractive, docile, nurturing, attentive, and so on.) Again, generalizations are dangerous because they make us blind to the unique individual standing in front of us. But if we are going to make generalizations about the majority of men or women, let them be based on how things are—for whatever reason, whether nature or nurture, genetics or environment—and not our beliefs on how things should be. Currently, we invest a lot of time supporting the myths about gender that make us feel everything is as it should be in the world. We feel pride and safety belonging to our group (men or women) and try to hide the ways in which even we don't conform to our group identity. When men get into groups, they tend to posture for status and membership. Women tend to share secrets and confide for membership in a group of females. I do not believe these behaviors are based on X- and Y-chromosomes or progesterone or testosterone. My experiences as a prostitute have shown me otherwise. In fact, both men and women show another side of themselves when they pay for a prostitute. (Yes, women also pay for prostitutes, although not as frequently as men do.) It is as if the exchange of money frees them from their gender role for that hour, evening, or weekend. They are free to explore other aspects of being human, other sides to their own personality. No one will judge them or censor them. They need not worry about losing their job, their standing in the community, or their families. Consequently, they can explore secret desires and urges. Contrary to popular myth, these secret desires more often involve violating the constraints of gender roles than indulging in different sexual practices. I have spent a lot more time giving men permission to be passive, vulnerable, sexually desired, and pursued than I have in treating some guy to his first golden shower. And I have also serviced lesbians who needed a break from their role as a dyke. A typical scenario: Pick her up while wearing my five-inch heels and throw her on the bed, then fuck her silly from behind with a strap-on. This kind of sexual behavior is usually prohibited in the often-rigid roles between butch and femme. My exposure to this unspoken underbelly, the truth so terrible we had to replace it with visions of violence and "perversion," has filled me with compassion where there was fear and love where there was hate. I cannot take a backward glance at moments shared with my clients without feeling a warm sense of connection and gratitude. People are at their most honest, and sometimes at their best, when they seek the services of a courtesan. I know some acts of prostitution involve hate and violence, but for the most part prostitution is merely empty and banal. There is, however, a sizeable minority of prostitutes—courtesans, call girls, whores, whatever you wish to call them—that brings honor and spirituality to the profession. The services of these women and men are sought by people who are looking for sexual transformation, as well as sexual release. Sex was, after all, the very first religion. Many people still find more that touches them spiritually and emotionally in sexual connection and interaction than they can ever find sitting in church.
Many people find more that touches them spiritually and emotionally in sexual connection than they could ever find in church. It is time we included all humans in a movement that embraces the rights of all of us, whether straight, gay, lesbian, or bisexual, whether male, female, hermaphrodite, or transgendered. It is time we temper our observations about how things are with our knowledge of how things can be. It is time we learn to see each other and ourselves as individuals instead of members in a group identity. And it is certainly time we abandon our primitive fear of sex for a more mature and educated and hopefully experienced stance. Sex is the very basis of life and renewal. Sex is also the only reason we have male and female. All the other bullshit—from clothing to hairstyles to whether we cross our legs or spit on the sidewalk—are things we invented in an effort to accentuate the differences between male and female. If those differences were so natural and immutable, we would not have such severe taboos against violating gender roles. Deep down we know that if we don't raise our boys to be men, they may not fulfill our expectations for them. Why? Because left to our own devices, men and women and all the people in between those two physical realities would assume a wide variety of identities and personas. I guess that frightens us. It shouldn't. I find all that variety beautiful.